Livin' on a Prayer (Whoa-Oh, We're Halfway There!)

I am, literally, living on a prayer as I approach the end of my 2nd year of medical school. ABSURD. We finished our entire Anatomy course last week, and now we're nearly finished learning the Reproductive System (observation: class attendance is much higher than usual...). Then we'll finish the year with the Musculo-Skeletal system, and voila! That's it! We're supposed to be finished with the classroom and ready to be working with patients in the Wards. I don't know about anyone else, but I certainly do not feel ready or knowledgeable enough to take that step. Thankfully I have an entire summer of studying for the medical Boards to take my mind off the fact. ;)  I recently made my schedule - 11-12 hours/day for 6 days and 4 hours on Sundays. Woo. Hoo. Actually, it will be rewarding (for the 1st week) to review everything I've learned in the past two years. And, like I said, I'm living on the prayer that I'll make it, find joy in it even, and be a functional human being (instead of half-robot) by the end.

I've been very lacking in the mental/emotional energy department lately. Writing about medical school should be easy - but I shirk away from spending any more time than I have to reflecting on the load that it has placed in my lap. :)

Have you ever been in a wave pool?  There is this water park in Denver called "Water World". It has an attraction called "The Wave": every 15 minutes, a gigantic 10-12 foot wave surges forward, spinning you under it's forceful tide. And just when you find your way to the surface, you're dragged back under by the backlash from the plastic shore. That's the best illustration I can find for this year. Sure there is a 10 minute reprieve as it resets, but during that 10 minutes you're preparing your position, trying to duck out of the way of the tubes, and ultimately completely focused on the next wave. I'm constantly focused on the next thing, swept into my "black hole" for the week leading up to our tests, while trying not to neglect a healthy balance of to-do lists in the interim. Everyone can relate to the feeling of a major deadline. And this year has been 14 so far (3 more to go - and then the mother of all deadlines in the Boards).

But it's medical school! What did I expect?! The Lord has given me the strength to walk through with a sound mind.  But I must admit, I imagined many more days open to dreaming about the future, planning out my advocacy for global health (and growing in it), volunteering & enriching this side of my interests, becoming a dynamic to-be MD. But I think I knew more about global health when I was in college than I do now, at the Medical School for International Health. I'm told this will all change during my 3rd year when I'm working in the hospital with the diverse patient population in Beersheva (a hopeful promise!). But these first 2 years have sadly been fairly devoid of these experiences (though not entirely - the perspective of the school is still manifested in the teaching). I've already started thinking forward to my electives and residency, knowing they will allow even less time.  The solution? More school (ha). I really am hoping to find a year to take classes for a certificate or Masters in Public Health.  Because for now, I have to pour every mental breath into mastering this material, which will serve as a foundation for the rest of my career.

Enter: USMLE Step 1.

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I found the text below in my journal (one of many "blog posts" I've recorded but never published), written on this exact date 1 year ago. I thought it was interesting insight into the state of my heart then, and a testament to the growth in my life over the last year. Because I've been living in the last paragraph's captivating voice this year, believing it and loving the never-ending promises He bestows upon me out the grace and purpose of His heart. God is good, and I'm more in love with Him now than ever. Oh how He loves us!

I believe last year was purposed for emotional growth and soul-searching. This year has been much more academic, but also "solidifying" - spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, almost like I was melted down & remolded last year, thrown into the kiln, and then left to finish hardening into my new form this year.  I was still struggling a lot with what I'd left behind and how to move forward last year at this time, which is the core of the post below. However, the reason I decided to put it on my blog now is the end (as I said above) - it's not very often I hear the voice of the Lord so clearly, and I am blessed by it.

"Be Careful What You Pray For..."

Who ever thought I'd be 10 months on this side of making the most pivotal decision of my life to date?  10 months and 3 continents, 4 countries, 12 finals, 1 "year"...so why does my bleeding heart keep swelling out of longing for yesterday?

Here's the thing. I KNOW God's plans are not for us to live holding onto the past, pained to let go, always wishing we could go back to...just one more day surrounded by the people, confidence, and love of friends/family; or to one more late night study in Gottwald; to a cold little room 12,000 feet above the sea in Pampas Grande; to one more Friday coffee date or Sunday brunch; one more night bursting with joy at the Lord's work in InterVarsity; to a year of working and learning and traveling...

It makes me want to cry out of the feeling of loss and goodbye in pieces of my heart I haven't seen in years.

But why?

Just when I think I've figured it out and understand and have moved forward into the great grace of God for my life, I find myself here. The same way I felt after grduation - only 2 years, many directional decisions and a few thousand miles away. Sometimes I think the vivid memories and deep emotional connection I make with people is simply the collage I'll always keep with me. Perhaps I am not supposed to forget, and maybe it's okay to feel the fresh wound of the pain because it drives me to a place of humble gratitude, praise, and longing for a new day of completion when all will come together again. For now, though, I still need to unearth the line between the sweet, full aromas of my memories, and the sorrow in the permanence of yesterday.

I think moving forward and saying goodbye is a universal struggle. One I'm sure I'll return to as long as I live. For as much as I wish I could fly away to Neverland in those moments I want to hold onto forever, a gentle whisper calls me back with a different vision. Instead of a 2-D animated feature, this voice paints a story in vibrant, 4-D color (I know, 4-D! If it were 3-D, I'd be able to understand the beginning from the end - but with this voice, there is no beginning or end!).

Though still often masked by pain and the struggle against wishing to be anywhere but here, an instinct, an echo - in the part of my mind that only One person can access - cries out to me with His vision: "Why settle for that (1-D) when you WILL have this (4-D)! Don't you know Me at all??  Sure it was wonderful - but they were not the 'best years of your life' with only glimmers of good things left to come along. Oh Beloved, how you've lost the passionate, founded hope and sparkle of possibilities you had once upon a time. But don't you know that nothing is lost forever when I AM forever, and I delight in bringing the fullness of heaven's gates to the center of your life! Always!  Trust and BELIEVE. Remember with eternity as your perspective. You're not getting away that easily, you belong to ME..."  Oh Lord, how can I doubt your existence, your love for me, when  it shouts from the stars in the sky to the soft breeze that cools the Beer Sheva nights?!