[Couldn't help myself when i was
thinking about the subject of this post. thank you, beyonce (pronounced in a
thick Hebrew accent by my OB/GYN attending: BAY-on-see).]
I started drafting this post last
year, but it has been on my heart since then as my understanding and
application of the meaning of intimacy with Jesus has increased. It can be hard to read someone else's
thoughts on a subject like this, because our own experiences shape our views
and emotions.
Hopefully, if you read on, I’ll
be able to clarify my intention for sharing thoughts on intimate relationships,
as well as answer the burning question obviously on everyone's mind (or at
least, it seems to be when I'm home) - "Has claire run off for 3 years and
fallen in love with one of those strikingly tall, dark, and handsome israeli
men?" ;)
My pastor while I
was at UR recently wrote this post in light of valentine’s day and the
attitude propagated by the Church toward 'singleness': http://www.eastendfellowship.org/reclaiming-singleness/2013/02/13/. Many of his points echo the truths I've been
uncovering. This post actually motivated me to get my thoughts together
and finish this thing. I also just finished my Pediatrics exams, so I have 36
hours of free time.
Living in a land without the
visible American institution of the church has swept me away from much of the
pressure and focus on relationship status my friends are experiencing. One of my close friends has mentioned a few
times that she can't wait for me to get back into the mess of it all and reel
through the drama of the christian dating scene. It's an interesting commentary on the state of
the American culture in general. All
eyes are honed in on marriage, divorce, singleness, dating, one night stands,
sex... and the church has its own version of each of these. Yet I can't remember the last time I heard a
streamlined teaching directly from the infallible Guide of the believers' life
(Bible) on marriage. It has always been
a central "issue" of the Church, but so often framed in the context
of politics, family units, people dissatisfied without, or within - an idol (in
the sense that marriage becomes a goal, a thing to achieve, a status and value,
a dividing line, or a tool of judgment) – rather than a divine relational
design meant to lead us further into the presence of our first Love.
I wonder, do we even remember
what marriage IS? What is its purpose? Why does it exist at all? Truthfully
answering these questions also sheds a brilliant light on the life of those who
are not married or dating. One I find
particularly convicting, but also refreshing, powerful, blessed, and full.
My goal isn't to write a sermon on marriage and singleness, nor is it to
sideline into a political discussion, but rather to share a few of the things I've
been gnawing on, wondering about, and trying to convince my heart &
emotions of for the last year.
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Do you know that Jesus says in
Matthew 22: "For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in
marriage"? Contextually, the
Sadducees had come to Jesus to ask a point about the Law of Moses which says a
man shall marry the wife of his brother if that brother dies without children
in order to have offspring to raise up for him.
They wonder, if this happens successively until 7 brothers have married
this wife and died, whose wife will she be in the resurrection of the body?
I initially found this hard to
believe, and was actually upset – how could you not stay bound to this person
who is your most intimate, life-long companion on earth into eternity? If the
Bible teaches you will meet loved ones who have died and gone before you at the
trumpet of Christ’s return (1 Thes 4:15-17), why wouldn’t you meet your spouse
as your spouse? My response revealed how much I need to learn about the meaning
of relationships within an eternal perspective, the true role of
marriage, and it calls into account my satisfaction without it. The passage is meant to validate the
resurrection, but the following scripture clarifies one of Jesus' main points:
"But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, one of
them asked him a question to test him. “Teacher, which is the great commandment
in the Law?” And he said to him, 'You
shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and
with all your mind. This is
the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your
neighbor as yourself.'" (Matthew 22:23-40)
Jesus was constantly trying to
simplify complicated discourse by stating that everything on earth and in
heaven was, is, and will always be about He and His Father ("He who has
seen Me, has seen the Father. For I and the Father are One" –John 14:9).
Love HIM first. Worship HIM first and above all things. And then second, love
all others through the overflow of His abundance supplied by loving him first.
Notice how He doesn't separate loving your spouse from loving others.
And again, loving the Lord God comes before that.
So practically speaking, the greatest command we may choose to obey, and
the fullest purpose of our lives, is wholly met and lived out apart from
marriage. What freedom this vision provides for everyone – married,
dating, single – because we all know there are imperfections and struggles
regardless. In fact, I'd say that understanding this vision would heal the devastating plague of divorce striking believers in the Church.
That is never to say that
marriage isn't one of the most beautiful, parable-lived-out, physical
demonstrations of the covenanted love of Christ, the Messiah, for the Church
and for Israel (ref. Hosea, Jeremiah, John 3, Romans 7,11, Mt 25, Rev 11,19). It
absolutely is, and it absolutely has a purpose in the mission of God on this earth. But what is often forgotten is that those who
are not married are not limited in their ability to partake in God’s mission or
experience His pleasure, love and blessing! Everything He does is meant to relate to us
personally, intimately, to touch our realities and break through into our lives,
to help us see Him for who He really is.
Tangential thought: If God broke the covenants He made with
Israel as her Savior, how could we trust Him to keep the new covenant He made
in Jesus? Jesus did not come to replace the old covenants He made with Israel,
but to fulfill, renew, and extend them to all nations. The purpose of the old covenants was always
that Jesus would come and be the salvation of all. Here we see the everlasting
covenant love of God (Jeremiah 31), which is unbreakable, and the holy image
which He expects marriage to reflect as a testimony to the world of His
glory.
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SO,
with all of that said, I’ll return to my musings about living the life of a
single woman who believes in the testimony of Jesus. One who is devoted to keeping
herself pure and aligned with the tenants of scripture - not out of loveless
religious obedience – but out of love, thankfulness, and awe at the person
of Jesus that He has revealed to me as I’ve pursued and asked. When you love
someone with your whole heart, you’ll do anything to delight them and to serve
them.
Living
in the tumultuous 20s as a single Christ-following, female:
I
don't know if it's ever possible to get to the "end of our rope" with
the subject of singleness, but I think that's a really good place to be if we
can get there. Because finally, that's
when we give up. And when we give up it
lets God step into that place in our hearts and take over.
Up
until then I think we're still holding out for the way we see it and the way we
want it. Part of us retains "creative license" to seize
opportunities, moments, conversations, or people we are drawn to and want to
see a future with, and this hinders the full work of God in our
lives.
I think
it's important to define "work" so there is something tangible to
grasp onto rather than be left to fall into a wild oblivion of potentially
foolish, clueless, desperation.
What I feel the Lord has been showing me this year is that the work He does when we reach our end in the matter of relationships/singleness and let it go - and He takes over - is to fill our minds and hearts with the complete picture of His leadership and to build intimacy. An intimate relationship with Him that is one of beloved, friend, protector, provider and spiritual leader - one of the Bridegroom for His Bride (*see bottom of post). To romance us and show us what it is to have our deepest longings met in utter, unimaginable perfection, and to exceed every standard we could have ever hoped to dream up.
The ones that we seek out in our
present or future spouse.
Honestly, it's a mystery to me. But His wisdom, His Word, says that He is
enough. So that means I have to believe I can be more satisfied,
fulfilled, loved, adored, made beautiful, made complete, delighted, and
cherished by Jesus than I ever, ever will with a physical man
on this earth. If I don't believe that and KNOW it with all of
my heart, then I can almost promise you I will make the man I marry into my
idol, and will be hurt deeply by disappointment, and will be hurt deeply by my
sin and the history of distance I put between myself and the Lord during this
process. Because sin is never without
consequence.
Yes,
the picture of the covenant is holy and an experience unique to marriage. But I
also know I am "lacking no good thing" (Psalm 34:10, 84:11), a
promise in scripture, nor do I gain something in marriage that sets me above or
at an advantage to another. It's just another piece, like moving to a new place
(ehem, Israel) - seasons and lessons and moments for a future glory. This knowledge
doesn't eliminate the yearning to find a man to fall in love with and be loved
by (nor does it have to!). But for now,
I'm not tasked with the job of worrying or wondering endlessly. I am to
surrender and partake in my present work, my present reality, to be affirmed by
the intercession of Jesus before the Father (John 17), and to participate in
the privilege of prayer for those pure desires He has stirred within me,
waiting patiently and with belief and hope for His answers to come.
One
last observation:
At least in my own personal experience, when I am interested in someone,
that person preoccupies my thoughts, my intentions, and often my prayers. It
may be as innocent as a prayer for the Lord to clarify my swirling emotions.
More often than not it has been for the Lord to take them away so I’ll stop
being distracted and preoccupied. It is so much harder to love the Lord with all
my heart, not to mention others around me, when one person is competing for my
heart’s affections.
Initially finding myself here in
Israel, in a solitary, isolated place, seemed like I was “pushing off” any hope
of finding that person. But I soon shifted my view as I began to
understand that no one else could physically compete for my heart here in this
land. I live in a place where my attention is truly devoted to my One and Only.
What a GIFT! What freedom! Because believe me, it’s hard enough to delve
into the relationship the Lord wants to have with me, to focus my prayers fully
on knowing Him, rather than praying to “unknow” some guy that caught my eye. The Lord protects our hearts, He alone knows
what is best for us, what will give us the fullness of life He has promised to
all who believe in Him. Recognize that, don’t resist it, and run unhindered in the
admiration of His gaze shining upon you.
I
really believe that this is the work He wishes to accomplish, and care for, in
the hearts of single women (or men!) who are after His own
heart. Who want for Him more than any other.
I pray
that whether you are single, dating, newly married or married for decades, separated,
or widowed, you are able to abide in the all-sufficient root of Christ, allowing
His life and love to open your heart into a fragrant bloom. That you would
exist in the very present reality He LONGS to awaken in you in which you lack no.
good. thing. in. Him.
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Here are a few fantastic
resources to spark that quest:
3pg summary of scripture references to Bridegroom: https://s3.amazonaws.com/ihopkc-marketing/resources/Discovering+the+Longing+of+Jesus+the+Bridegroom+God+PFJ2012+Shelley.pdf
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