Estar y ser

Yes, these are spanish (not hebrew) words intentionally. They both mean "to be", estar in a more temporary, locational sense and ser in a more permanent, characteristic sense. Let me explain...

Estar:

I vaguely remember learning that languages are stored in a specific section of our brains (something I'm sure I'll know intricately in the next two years). This week has convinced me of this as I've worked myself in circles trying to sort through what language I should be speaking to which people. It is frustrating at times when I answer Neta (hamora=the teacher) with "Sí" instead of "Ken", or when the only way I know to translate a Hebrew word is in its spanish rather than english form. But clearly at the same time, there's a very large part of my heart that has been ignited by the resurgence of spanish speaking/thoughts and finds a deep joy in the intermixed languages. I'm just realizing how dehydrated I am of beloved Latin America/Spanish (as well as how much of an integral part of me it has become over 12 years of study) after a year without daily opportunities to engage in the culture and conversational spanish. Needless to say, I find myself rehearsing our limited Hebrew with a tri-split English/Spanish/Hebrew Claire-personality on my 25 minute walks around the city. The other night I journaled in all three languages as well, and it brought me a sense of satisfaction to have grasped one more way to understand the tongues of the Spirit during Pentecost, the unity of the nations, in God's Kingdom.

As you can tell, this week has consisted of 4 hours of Hebrew lessons each day and a lot more practice post-class. I am surprised how much I've already picked up, but usually leave exhausted, having surpassed the capacity of my Hebrew-retainment. My classmates are fascinating - incredibly diverse and certainly not the bunch I would have found in a medical school in the states. I've enjoyed getting to know them in our last 'zman penui' (free time) before classes start through excursions to the Bedoin Market, Shukh (central fruit market) and lunch outings. We attended an all-day orientation on Sunday covering everything from life in Be'er Sheva to expectations for our future medical and International Health classes. Yesterday one of the professors spoke to us about our responsibilities as physicians. I sensed that if I was not void of emotion (rare for me - a blessing in many ways to keep me absorbed in & able to handle each day), I would have wept later in the quiet of my room; as it was I felt the raw emotion in my throat, simply at the coalescence of past, present, and future dreams coming together at all and in this way.

Ser:

The day we drove into Be'er Sheva, I only wanted to leave again and return home. All of me was panicking about the place and situation and career I had indefinitely committed to, and it seemed like my last chance to reasonably bow out. Interspersed in my thoughts I felt a strong sense that I would be fighting these questions for the next four years because their root lies in the foundational lack of control I have over my situation, essentially over my entire life - and it has never been so clear to me as here. In my dueling strengths/weaknesses, control places either 1 or 2. At times this week, when I verged on breathlessness at the magnitude of the things to come on top of my transition now, God's voice has been louder than a whisper, repeating that He is in control and that this will be my discipline over the next 3 years. Just as patience and endurance have been for so long, I will encounter this new surrender, a hotter flame, and be thankful all the while that He still finds me useful for His Kingdom work, that He would invest in refining me like silver to reflect His image and carry His Gospel. There is no greater purpose to me than this, and I would gladly give up anything to follow Him. The call to give up father, mother, brother, sister and lands in Matthew to follow Him was another verse I promised I would share that led me here while I was making my decision. That verse seemed pretty clear-cut when I thought about it... :)


Going back to my title at the beginning, Hebrew does not have a specific word (as far as I can tell thus far) for "to be" - things translate literally into "My name Claire" or "He student of medicine". Knowing that adds such significance to the statement "I AM who I AM" by God in the burning bush. (Colossians 1:15-23) God holds within Himself every expressed and unexpressed existence, there cannot be anything apart from Him or without Him because He IS. And nothing else can claim that Truth.

So even after a long day, I go to bed smiling, because He IS reflected everywhere here in this place, estar, and in my place, ser.