DISCLAIMER: Words encompass my heart, thoughts and feelings – letters, song lyrics, blog posts – they’re all expressions of the deepest, most vulnerable parts of me. Each word I write is painstakingly thought-over, and when it really matters, usually doesn’t come unless it’s flowing from a place of raw, Spirit-filled emotion (most often to the tune of my current ‘inspirational’ song on repeat). After writing a blog post, for instance, I am completely emotionally exhausted (you may have noticed less posts lately as my energy has dwindled in light of finals and the end of the year).
ANYWAY, all of that to say, last year I decided to be in the habit of writing in a prayer journal nightly – a letter to the Lord AND quite often from the Lord to me when I’m listening for Him. His wisdom finds a way of manifesting itself in the times I desperately need His presence and voice. Fittingly, at those moments when dozens of pages are filled with cries to Him, He is writing His promises and love for me across the pages for me to find months later as I seek affirmation yet again.
Thus we arrive back at the one year mark of my decision. I pulled out my journal dated May 2010 and rediscovered the rollercoaster of the weekend. I’d always imagined the relief and elation that would overflow if I ever got into medical school – but when I received my acceptance to MSIH, only a shocked numbness filled the creases of my heart. In the weeks after I kept thinking, “Gah, Lord, I hate when there is this huge decision looming in my future. It’s all I think about and ALL of my prayers are consumed with wondering which way to go – selfish, burdened and narrow instead of filled with the joy and praise You deserve.”
The weekend before I needed to send my reply I took off to Red Rocks for a day and then Chautauqua Park in Boulder for another - it’s those high mountainous places, I’m telling you, they give so much more perspective than a suburban backyard view - no wonder David sings about them in the Psalms. Before going, I committed to fasting, wholly concerned with hearing the Lord’s voice rather than everyone else’s and of course, my own, in regards to the decision. Looking back, I think I half expected to hike upon a burning bush with the expectations for the way the Lord would surely answer me during my weekend of “being devoted and discerning”. Not to say that wasn’t my sincere intention – in all fairness I saw it as a chance to be away from the world and give the Lord my full attention. But I should also know by now that the Lord doesn’t follow an equation – and we meet Him through grace, by the intercession of the Spirit and the Son at the right hand of the Father, not by ritual or law.
You’re wondering right now where I’m going with this…
Instead of an overwhelming confirmation to run off to Israel, I encountered a lot of my struggles and losses that weekend. More than anything, it became clear that I hold onto memories, places, and people…and regardless of what I decided, I was confronted with the priorities in my life. Not exactly what I had expected. The Lord met me with the question (one that knocks me breathless) He’s given me one other memorable time in the face of a crossroad: “Just how much do you know Me, love Me, and want to follow Me, Claire?”
Going through my journal now, this followed with a few scripture passages that become suspiciously more poignant as they progress: “But we will walk in the name of the Lord our God forever and ever” (Micah 6), “’Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded! For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if I told’” (Habakkuk 1:5-6), “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of Hosts; the whole earth is full of His glory! And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here I am! Send me!’ [So He said,] ‘Now, go and say to Israel…’” (Isaiah 6). And lastly, “Follow me…there is no one who has left house or brother or sister or mother or father or lands, for my sake and for the Gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold…” (Mark 10:17-31).
At the time, I knew I’d be entering a tipping point in my life wherever I went, because instead of answering with “Go to the right” or “Go to the left”, the Lord seemed to be saying, “You choose Beloved, but whichever way you go, remember that I’ve called you to MYSELF. So FOLLOW ME”. Yes, well Lord, thanks for that WORD GAME – I’ll just spend the next lifetime trying to figure it out, too bad I need to know by tomorrow! [Oh how limited our perspective is! I cannot wait to someday gaze over the expanse of the new heaven and earth in a glorious moment of enlightenment – OH, THAT’S what You were doing! ]
The next day in church, our sermon was about Moses and the burning bush. :) Moses responds, “Oh Lord, please send someone else to do it” about five different times when God calls him to return to his people. Though I hadn’t admitted it to myself, the day before I’d essentially decided to go to Israel (note: oddly, the entire time medical school was secondary to this part of the decision!) – but the second it crossed my mind I started making excuses, doubting the decision and begging the Lord to change my mind because of the terrifying unknown. Besides that, going to Israel would require a strength that I humanly did (do) not possess – it is so much easier to trust in the Lord when you’ve convinced yourself you “have your own strength and support system” to fall back on if “all else fails”. Totally backwards – but it’s how I tend to think.
So here we arrive 380 days later. I believe I spent over half of it doubting my decision if I’m honest with you. The other half, well, maybe I was just too overwhelmed and busy to have time to doubt or reflect or remember. I wish I could draw out a magnanimous conclusion to all that weekend has brought to me – but I’m still not far enough removed, still in the process of figuring it out. I do know that the semi-journal of my blog and my own prayer journal mark the rugged path the Lord has carried me on over the year. Most of all, though, I’ve found the question: “How much do you know Me, love Me, and want to follow Me?” has no beginning or end. He captivated my attention and focus with its spoken power, opening the axis of my existence to His purposes and to the true adventure that it is to be devoted to the Author of life. But every day here, living in the turmoil of the Middle East and in the rays of His coming Kingdom, and especially having no real companionship except for His, brings the statement to mind time and again. It costs all that I am to know Him, love Him, and pursue Him, sometimes in such a difficult way that I feel like giving up…but then, what am I without Him?
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| Round-the-World Potluck at the Gimel Girls' House |
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| Shelly and Isaac digging out their Papau New Guinean dish (They both grew up as missionaries there) |
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| Even better than a pig roast! :) |
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| Laurel and I |
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| Dilia at our "Au Revoir to the 3rd Years" Cookout |
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| My Spring Garden! Basil, Cilantro, Parsley, Sunflowers, Aloe... |
Once again, humbled by your strength and wisdom. How can I but watch from afar - gazing on my delightful daughter. How difficult it is sometimes to not only seek out, but to follow God's pathways when we, with folly, intertwine all the voices within us and count them as His.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, dear daughter.